Livestrong

I found probably the easiest tool I've ever used in my life to track my calories taken in and taken out. It takes all the guesswork out and takes my Google searching of "how many calories in xxxxx" down to almost zero, unless I'm unsure and double-checking. It's beautiful.


It's just at the Livestrong home page. Sign up, yada yada, the calorie tracker is free. w00t!


For my weight, though, the stupid thing is telling me to eat like 2,300 calories a day. Fuck. That.

Today was...
Two oranges - 100 kcal total. One in the morning, one in the evening.
One bottle of sugar free grape stuff - 0 kcal. w00t!
One cup of homemade egg drop soup - 61 kcal.
One cup of hot tea (It was blood orange and something else) - 0 kcal.

Look at these gorgeous figures below! Today was a 300 day, and I'm full right now. I might nibble a bit of my soup later, but I don't know. My day isn't even over. <3

Consumed

161

Calories Today

Burned

103

Calories Today

Edit: The belly has spoken. I went to try and nibble a bit of the egg in my egg drop soup, and my stomach immediately rebelled, threatening to make me throw up. My numbers stand for the day! I'm not long for the waking world, I think bed is in my near future.

400

I am. Freezing. Like, really freezing. My hands are cold, my feet are frozen in their socks, my legs are cold, my arms have goosebumps...Sigh. At least my chest isn't cold. Also, the tip of my right index finger hurts quite badly. Not sure why.


Anyway. On to the important stuff.


Breakfast:
1 slice rye toast. 80 kcal.


Lunch:
6 oz split pea soup (Not sure how I stomached it. T'was kinda nasty.) 120 kcal


Supper:
1 slice rye toast. 80 kcal.
5oz orange juice. 68 kcal.


Total: 348 kcal.


I'm debating cutting a slice of cheese in half to nibble at. My head is quite sore...I lacked a lot of protein today. I didn't eat as well as I was hoping I would.


Today is 348 kcal as of this blog post, before any exercise.
Tomorrow is a limit of 300 kcal. I'm also going to have access to an orange. <3 Yay.

Damn blood sugar.

Well, I edited all of my 2012 posts to sort of match with what I changed my blog to look like. I chose the darker look, because it hurts my eyes a lot less when I have to deal with darker colors with white or light gray as a foreground or text. I know it's not the same for everyone...But yeah.


Deep breath. Here goes nothing. Tomorrow starts another go at the SKG, which I'm predicting is going to fall apart this coming weekend - The Global Game Jam is like a second christmas to me. I'm going to do everything I can to resist the food they bring in unless I'm honestly going to faint - which will probably happen. Let's be honest here. Hypoglycemia doesn't mix well with refusing to eat for an entire weekend...I remember what happened at Youmacon.


T'wasn't good, let me tell you. I woke up Sunday in my ex-boyfriend's bed (he felt bad for me trying to curl up on his couch. It's comfy...for sitting. Laying, not so much.), basically unable to move because I was so weak. Despite the eight hours of sleep I'd gotten, I ended up forcing myself to eat cheese and some crackers, and I passed out right away. I hate that my family gave me blood sugar problems. I can deal with the weakness, but the sheer pain I feel when I go more than one day without eating is awful. Even painkillers won't help with it - I've tried everything from tylenol, to apsirin, to vicodin, to tylenol-3 with codeine, and none of it works.


Sigh...I'm sure my system will get used to it. It'll all be worth it when we're on the beach in silver bikinis, and for once I'm the one they're all looking at.


Not you, Vy. Me. For the first time since we met, I'll be the one getting the attention.


Edit: What have I done so far tonight?
100 cheater-pushups (my chest isn't strong enough yet for real ones...hurts like an unnecessary bitch.)
400 crunches
20 leg lunges (10 on each leg...And my god, they can not take that yet. I'm gonna stay at nice low numbers for a while.)
10 minutes of random stretching.


It's time for bed now...I hope I'm sore tomorrow. Last time...I didn't get sore...And I got worried that I didn't do any of it right.

I thought we'd escape...

Hi everyone. So, my whole backwards 2468 thing worked out well enough. But I'm just so afraid of falling off of it. I'm going to stick to this, starting tomorrow, Monday, January 22. And I'll keep following it until I reach my goal weight. Soon as I'm done typing this, I'm going to continue my nightly workout routine until I go to bed, whether that's at 1am or whatever. I won't go outside, though...It's scary and dark out there. Very cold and icy, too.

Did I ever tell you, I'm afraid of the dark? It puts me in an odd predicament, since I don't much like the light, either.

Either way. I'm going to start this up tomorrow. Starting on Day 1: 400 kcal. I can totally do this. With this, and my cardio, and my crunches and push ups (I want everything smaller...including the boobs. Back problems galore, fat or not.)

And...Here's something to listen to, if this post bored you. I love this song.

Popcorn~

Today. Is. Awesome. Today I started doing a reverse of the 2468 diet, starting at 800 calories. Tomorrow will be 600, Wednesday will be 400, and Thursday will be 200, and Friday I'll fast before indulging in a lovely 300 on Saturday.


So, you wanna hear how my day went? I woke up and nibbled on two frozen waffles after toasting them and putting nothing on them. That was 130 calories. I was still a little peckish, even after taking my new acai diet pills (Love you mommy~ Thanks for the drugs! No, seriously, thanks!), so I nibbled on half a serving of pretzels to stave off the dizziness they bring me. That brought me up to 210, total.


My ex-boyfriend came over, so we played video games for a while and smoked hookah while watching random Tim Burton films - so of course I didn't eat while he was around. I hate eating around people, which rocks. He was a boost to my self esteem, too - while he was here, I ended up getting random cuddles. Yay <3. While he was over, all I had was an Arizona iced tea with lemon, which was 270 by itself. That's only 480, which leaves me with 320 left before I finish for the day!

I just got done popping some popcorn, which will be 105 70 calories for the entire bag. My goodness. I still have 215 240 calories for the evening, and it's getting late. Eee~ I'm so proud of myself today. Tomorrow might be a little harder, but maybe if I eat the same thing as today, but without the Arizona iced tea (I'm out of them, I pawned my Arnold Palmer off on my ex when he came over. They're...Sort of a guilty pleasure of mine.), and maybe replace it with a bowl of cereal, I'll be a little below the 600. I don't know yet, I'm going to plan out my meals for the rest of the week.


EDIT: I measured out the popcorn that actually popped. There's only two cups, instead of three like the box says there should be...Which means I've got 240 calories left today. 35 more than I thought. Eeee~


So far I'm thinking I might not even have to purge this week. Awesome, because I haaate purging~

Ugh...My stomach feels odd...

I'm trying to get used to the feeling of hunger again. It's so weird, it feels almost like it's crying at me. I know, though. I know.


"My stomach isn't growling, it's applauding."


Maybe it's just too excited right now, and that's why it hurts.I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed...I'm not feeling well.


Today's limit: 1200 kcal. (1100 eaten)
Tomorrow's limit: 1000 kcal.


I'm going to slowly decrease, little by little... When I get used to about 600 kcal a day, I'll do the Skinny Girl Diet again. And follow all the way through. I can do this.

I'm so sore.

I really am just so. Sore. My neck and my shoulders and my back particularly. At least my legs aren't sore. I'm going to have to make sure that my back recovers tonight so I can do more crunches tomorrow in the morning when I wake up.


I think, tomorrow, I'm going to do some digital art and a lot of crunches, if Nyxxie doesn't need her tablet. If I do, I'll be live-streaming it, so here's the link ahead of time: Venna's Art

I set it up so it'll load in another window, in case you weren't done looking at things here.


For tonight, I think I'll do a bunch of stretches before bed - A dancer once told me that it helps you become more flexible if you stretch before bed as opposed to the first thing in the morning. I want to do a split this year. It sounds fun, doesn't it?


Anyway. Here's some pretty music to lull me to sleep.

Happy New Year.

Happy new year, everyone. I'm going to bore you with some resolutions I should have posted yesterday, but to be honest...I was just having way too much fun to worry about ANYTHING yesterday, despite waking up in the early morning in a full panic attack and realizing my xanax was in a purse that I didn't have with me on new year's eve. Good people, the smartest and sweetest dog I've ever met in my life, and God of War 3. But mostly, the doggy. So friendly, so cute, so sweet, and so bloody smart, what more does someone need? ..Oh yeah. Resolutions. Right.


1. Lose 50-70 pounds. That means the goal weight is 117-97 pounds. I'm more excited for the 97.
2. Meditate twice daily.
3. Sew one item per week.
4. Conquer irrational fear of the dark.
5. Become much more flexible.
6. Wean myself down to 200 kcal per day.
7. Wear a bikini in the summer.
8. Save up $100.
9. Retain my sleep schedule of 7 hours per night, usually from 11pm to 6am.
10. Get a workout partner. -Completed
11. Post. In. This. Blog.


Similar goals:
1. Pierce my ear three more times on each side - two lobe and one cartilage and count an industrial as one.
2. Pierce my right eyebrow.
3. Improve my anatomy sketches.
4. Sing more.


It's a lot of them. It really is. I'm really interested in R1, R2, R4, R5, R7, and all four goals.


Well, what are some of yours? Comment below and let me know, I'm interested in hearing about them.

Illness.

I don't know what it is. It's as though my body is rebelling against forced recovery. Which is awesome and all that - but I'd really rather be getting somewhere instead of sick.


After doing some research, however,I'm worried about my gall bladder. Apparently I have most of the signs of it being kind of seriously infected, minus serious stomach cramps...Which means doctors again. You know, I completely forgot that that think even existed, and now I'm finding out that it might be the source of my discomfort.


To elaborate: No matter what I eat, whether it's as simple as a salad, or an actual meal with lean meat, a vegetable and the tiniest bit of bread. Even if I eat a slice of apple, I immediately feel ill. Nauseous, with unexplained pain between my shoulderblades...Dizzy, headached, among many other things. I hope to god I'm just being a hypochrondiac, and there's nothing really wrong with that.


However...

Current Stats:
Weight: 157lb
Height: 5'4"
Waist: 34"
Hips: 40"
Pants size: 10 (What?)

Ugh. Why can't my inability to eat properly be helping me?

Black Lipstick.

Regarding my last post, it's gotten worse.

Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.

Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)

While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.

Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.

A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...

Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.

A losing battle.

There's no other way I can put it. I'm fighting a losing battle. For once, this has very little to do with my weight.


I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.


Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.


My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.


I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."

Impromptu fast.

So let's look at that intake today. Max was 400, right? I ate...

NOTHING.

When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.

The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.

But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one:  I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.

But nope.

Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.

Going out solves everything.

So what's the first thing I wake up to? Why, my boyfriend cancelling on me for the event I was going with him to today. I still went, but I didn't get the joy of seeing him, or seeing him wig out over the little things that I love to watch him wig out over. (Which is a lot of things.)

So after about an hour and a half of off and on crying, I put my makeup on, telling myself, "Once the mascara hits the eyelashes, no more damn waterworks!" Like magic, it all stopped, and I was just kinda...blah...instead of weepy and distraught. Like I'd taken Xanax or something. (Which I hadn't.)

Anyway. The evening went off nicely. The director even presented me with an award - AND HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT! That alone was enough to make the whole night worth dealing with five inch heels and looking at my friend Barbara (Who is so beautiful it hurts my pride every time I look at her).


I had no money in my pocket, which as a rule means no food. To drink this evening, I enjoyed two glasses of ice water that was oddly tasty, and some stolen nibbles from my neighbor's finished plate. (See, I'm weird. I like to nibble at leftovers, it FEELS like I'm eating a lot, when there's barely anything there, because I take such tiny bites that it takes me twice as long to eat.) I totaled it all out to be...


Drumroll...


527 calories!

(: And this is before running around like mad in the arcade part, in five inch heels, trying to keep up with someone that didn't understand I was wearing heels and am not adept in walking in them. And all the games I failed at. And crunches at home, and more walking. Aaahhh, I feel good!

Tomorrow, the max amount for me is 700 according to the SGD. I'm almost two full weeks in, and not noticing a whole lot of improvement...I need a better plan. I stole a workout plan from another blog I was reading, and am going to begin implementing that as soon as humanly possible.


God, how could I slip this far? Apparently for me, this is what recovery looks like. Never. Again. Pics tomorrow afternoon~ (If I remember x.x)

Shine on~

Edit: I think I found the source of my back/leg problems, too much weight on them. Think they can handle some early morning runs?

Giving serious thought to going to bed no later than 9pm anymore to wake up at 5, drink a cup of hot green tea, go for a run, and have "breakfast". The quotes are there because it'll likely be a chopped up quarter of an apple and a handful of raw oats. (They taste better raw for some reason. I can't explain it.)

Also, good news. We couldn't afford groceries, and neither can a friend of mine. So, all my junk food is finding it's way into her house so she'll have something to eat - It's fine if I starve, I'm trying to, but she doesn't need to suffer too. She's already gorgeous. <3

Yay, yatta!

In light of my past couple days of failure, I did so much better today and yesterday.

I lost the list of what I ate yesterday (My notebook can rarely go to school with me. People I talk with are getting suspicious of how I write every time I nibble on something. Those questions aren't welcome!) I do remember the end count, though - 359 total!! That's almost 100 under the total for that day, which was 450. Not bad, not bad~

Today, there were 3 small pieces of chicken, all dark meat. (I've stopped with the white meat only thing, after figuring out that dark meat was lower in calories.
Total was 208.32 exactly, and I do believe I'm done for the evening.


...Well, there was also a slice of toast with a small bit of peanut butter on it. Ouch...So it looks like my total is 413.32.  That's not too bad, at least. It's under 450! :D

Unless my sugar drops through the floor again, I don't plan on eating again 'til tomorrow. And tomorrow, I'm going out, so I won't have time to get all 650 calories in. Woooh~

Oh, and also, there will be pictures soon. Of my non-tiny belly.

Failure.

My last two days were complete and utter fails.

Yesterday, Tuesday, a friend came and took my Nyxxie and me to dinner. I was sabotaged and made to order a meal that had no hope of being under 500 calories and just eating 3/5 of it. Guh.

Today...Today is completely my fault and the fault of my weak will.

No matter! I'm getting my ass back on track! 500 calories or less tomorrow, Thursday, day 11. If I eat more, it's razor blades on my ribs. No. More. Fuckups.

This is technically day 6.

Starvation is control.
Control is tough.
Bones are beautiful
When thin is not enough.

Day 6: 650 calories.


Afternoon (Slept in): 1 cup of spaghetti. 190.
Supper: 1/2 cup french fries (55), 1 bun, and 1/2 a venison burger. (Total 110 cal. It was a really small bun.)
Condiments: 1/2 tbsp mayo (22.5), 1 tbsp ketchup (20)
Evening: 1 small apple (currently eating). (40)
Snacks: 2 slices fresh baked italian bread. (180)


My total for the day comes to 617.5 calories for the day. Woo!

I want to look down and see this.

Am I ever going to look like the size 4?

Life is going to be so much easier once my dad goes back to work. I won't have to worry about him making me eat his dinners. Nothing against him...Just...His food tastes too good to just waste. That's why the second burger he threw on my plate is sitting in the fridge, wrapped up in cling wrap and prepared the same way as today's burger was. I can't bring myself to just throw it out. ...Maybe I should, though. I have lemons, and apples, and pancake mix, and soba and cha soba noodles, and PLENTY of tea! And natural honey, too! Hm. I think I might only end up eating a quarter of this apple and making some tea...

And tomorrow night, if I behave, I get to dye my hair black again! I'm going to try writing out an actual meal plan for tomorrow using my soba noodles. Only half of what I have though, one serving is 200 calories...>.>; Bah humbug.

Oh crap. Oh snuff.

It's 12:39 pm right now, and I just woke up. I just woke up, and I want food. Not, "I'm hungry and my stomach hurts", no. I just *want* food, particularly chocolate. I don't need it, and I know I don't, and yet I want it so badly still. UGH. This is annoying. I don't want to eat 'til supper, and then even only have a little to eat. I hate cravings for sweet.

Skinny Girl, Coming Right Up!

Day 1: Smashing success, if I do say so myself.
This morning, I had a tiny, tiny apple. So tiny, in fact, that it barely took up half the palm of my hand. It rounded up to be about 10 calories.
This afternoon, I munched on ten miniature rice cakes, which put me up at 90 calories total.

I came home, after bumming a dollar off a friend for a bottle of cold water, to the scent of taco meat. Not just any taco meat, but venison, which only has 30 calories per ounce! I splurged on two ounces of venison, two taco shells, (250 there), half a serving of cheese (+60), accented with lettuce, tomato, a bit of onion, and some delicious habanero sauce.

90 + 250 + 70 = 160 + 250 = 410. I only went over by 10 calories! And I haven't even done my nightly exercises! I'm going to KILL those 10 extra calories, and then some.

Today is a new day! A new day, with Panda slowly breaking through her fat shell into the bright world as a beautiful, fat-free Fox!

Testing! Today my food is lettuce, tomato, chicken broth, and MAYBE noodles and a lemon.

Fluctuations...

I'm not happy about the recent fluctuations in my weight. Well, some of them I am. Like, the one that took me all the way down to 157lb....But not the one that abruptly put me back up at 163 the next day. Obviously I need to be more strict with myself.


No more than 300 calories per day, no matter what, from now on. This is disgusting. I don't care how it hurts anymore. I'll eat 300 calories, loaded with protein so my blood sugar will stay up at a decent level. I'll only use honey as sweetener...and I hate store bought honey, so I'll use less of it. Maybe Splenda, it's calorie-free...Only natural sea salt so the water in my body won't be so trapped by that damn iodine...And furthermore...NO MORE FUCKING CHEATING.


No more single bites of ice cream. No more nibbles of chocolate. No more gummy bears at all, not even one. No store-bought lemonade, ever. One bottle of diet soda in one day IF I've been good for a whole week...I know that junk is loaded with carbs somehow. I just know it is. And furthermore, my rice snacks will just be white rice with trivial amounts of soy sauce...or hot pepper...Capsaicin or however you spell it is my friend...


Fruit...will be natural..not sweetened...and eaten in small amounts...Lettuce is fair game...tomato is fair game...And nori is alright. One sheet is good fiber, and only ten calories, and it tastes delicious.

It is written, it MUST be done!

My goals area already being pushed back by a month...