In retribution for the food I was made to eat, I will not eat tomorrow. It is written, and it shall be, even if it drives you insane...Grr.
On a side note, my appetite is happily smaller than usual. Could it be to do with the antidepressants I'm taking? Possibly. I don't care, I like what's happening.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I'm getting very good at math lately.
I'm starting fresh. It's been so hard for me to get back on track. People have been hovering over me like there's been no tomorrow, policing every "meal" and threatening me with getting doctors involved again. Dear lord...This is irritating. They haven't even been letting me go out for "walks". I don't want to risk my throat with purging and I can't afford laxatives right now. Unemployment is a big fail.
Anyway. My name's Panda, when I'm on the internet. I also answer to Haru and Venna. I'm twenty years old, and I've struggled with what they're now calling EDNOS since I was twelve years old. I started off binging, and I gained a lot of weight from it...I started purging it back up when I was about fifteen. I don't know how I had the balls to do that, now I try to and I'm scared about it unless all I had was soup. For about a year I was "ED free" according to some people..But I was restricting. A lot.
I'm restricting a lot more now, and trying to work up the courage to start purging again. My all time best is going two full days - 48 hours - without eating anything at all. I was still able to function perfectly, and all I ate on the third day was 200 calories worth of fresh vegetables and chicken broth. I'm trying to work my way up to doing it for a full week, maybe more. I want to go as long as I can without dying.
I just want to be beautiful and thin. We all know that big isn't beautiful. I've even seen it on my boyfriend's face, looking at a girl we both agree is beautiful. She's much thinner than I am... Therefore cuter, prettier, more beautiful, and more desirable. When I look at her I see my "thinspiration"...She doesn't know, though, and she's a good friend of mine, so I'll see her a lot, and get to just watch her be beautiful. My boyfriend is my other "thinspiration"...I want him to look at me the way that he looked at her, to have to walk away from me because I'm too beautiful. I want to deserve him and be everything that he deserves. He's going to help me, and he doesn't even know it.
That being said, what have I eaten today?
5 corn chips, at 65 calories total.
1/2 cup of tuna, at 120 calories total.
So far, that's 185 calories total for today. Much better than yesterday's 526 calories. I haven't decided if I want another 5 corn chips for supper, or if I want a bowl of beef broth (which comes to 5 calories total), or if I want to finish off my tuna at another 120 calories, and stay under 200 tomorrow since that second half of a cup of tuna will put me at 305.
I'm getting very good at math because of this.
Anyway. My name's Panda, when I'm on the internet. I also answer to Haru and Venna. I'm twenty years old, and I've struggled with what they're now calling EDNOS since I was twelve years old. I started off binging, and I gained a lot of weight from it...I started purging it back up when I was about fifteen. I don't know how I had the balls to do that, now I try to and I'm scared about it unless all I had was soup. For about a year I was "ED free" according to some people..But I was restricting. A lot.
I'm restricting a lot more now, and trying to work up the courage to start purging again. My all time best is going two full days - 48 hours - without eating anything at all. I was still able to function perfectly, and all I ate on the third day was 200 calories worth of fresh vegetables and chicken broth. I'm trying to work my way up to doing it for a full week, maybe more. I want to go as long as I can without dying.
I just want to be beautiful and thin. We all know that big isn't beautiful. I've even seen it on my boyfriend's face, looking at a girl we both agree is beautiful. She's much thinner than I am... Therefore cuter, prettier, more beautiful, and more desirable. When I look at her I see my "thinspiration"...She doesn't know, though, and she's a good friend of mine, so I'll see her a lot, and get to just watch her be beautiful. My boyfriend is my other "thinspiration"...I want him to look at me the way that he looked at her, to have to walk away from me because I'm too beautiful. I want to deserve him and be everything that he deserves. He's going to help me, and he doesn't even know it.
That being said, what have I eaten today?
5 corn chips, at 65 calories total.
1/2 cup of tuna, at 120 calories total.
So far, that's 185 calories total for today. Much better than yesterday's 526 calories. I haven't decided if I want another 5 corn chips for supper, or if I want a bowl of beef broth (which comes to 5 calories total), or if I want to finish off my tuna at another 120 calories, and stay under 200 tomorrow since that second half of a cup of tuna will put me at 305.
I'm getting very good at math because of this.
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