Regarding my last post, it's gotten worse.
Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.
Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)
While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.
Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.
A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...
Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.
Monday, October 31, 2011
A losing battle.
There's no other way I can put it. I'm fighting a losing battle. For once, this has very little to do with my weight.
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
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