So let's look at that intake today. Max was 400, right? I ate...
NOTHING.
When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.
The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.
But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one: I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.
But nope.
Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.
