I don't know what it is. It's as though my body is rebelling against forced recovery. Which is awesome and all that - but I'd really rather be getting somewhere instead of sick.
After doing some research, however,I'm worried about my gall bladder. Apparently I have most of the signs of it being kind of seriously infected, minus serious stomach cramps...Which means doctors again. You know, I completely forgot that that think even existed, and now I'm finding out that it might be the source of my discomfort.
To elaborate: No matter what I eat, whether it's as simple as a salad, or an actual meal with lean meat, a vegetable and the tiniest bit of bread. Even if I eat a slice of apple, I immediately feel ill. Nauseous, with unexplained pain between my shoulderblades...Dizzy, headached, among many other things. I hope to god I'm just being a hypochrondiac, and there's nothing really wrong with that.
However...
Current Stats:
Weight: 157lb
Height: 5'4"
Waist: 34"
Hips: 40"
Pants size: 10 (What?)
Ugh. Why can't my inability to eat properly be helping me?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Black Lipstick.
Regarding my last post, it's gotten worse.
Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.
Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)
While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.
Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.
A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...
Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.
Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.
Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)
While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.
Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.
A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...
Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.
A losing battle.
There's no other way I can put it. I'm fighting a losing battle. For once, this has very little to do with my weight.
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
Monday, October 17, 2011
Impromptu fast.
So let's look at that intake today. Max was 400, right? I ate...
NOTHING.
When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.
The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.
But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one: I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.
But nope.
Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.
NOTHING.
When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.
The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.
But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one: I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.
But nope.
Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Going out solves everything.
So what's the first thing I wake up to? Why, my boyfriend cancelling on me for the event I was going with him to today. I still went, but I didn't get the joy of seeing him, or seeing him wig out over the little things that I love to watch him wig out over. (Which is a lot of things.)
So after about an hour and a half of off and on crying, I put my makeup on, telling myself, "Once the mascara hits the eyelashes, no more damn waterworks!" Like magic, it all stopped, and I was just kinda...blah...instead of weepy and distraught. Like I'd taken Xanax or something. (Which I hadn't.)
Anyway. The evening went off nicely. The director even presented me with an award - AND HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT! That alone was enough to make the whole night worth dealing with five inch heels and looking at my friend Barbara (Who is so beautiful it hurts my pride every time I look at her).
I had no money in my pocket, which as a rule means no food. To drink this evening, I enjoyed two glasses of ice water that was oddly tasty, and some stolen nibbles from my neighbor's finished plate. (See, I'm weird. I like to nibble at leftovers, it FEELS like I'm eating a lot, when there's barely anything there, because I take such tiny bites that it takes me twice as long to eat.) I totaled it all out to be...
Drumroll...
527 calories!
(: And this is before running around like mad in the arcade part, in five inch heels, trying to keep up with someone that didn't understand I was wearing heels and am not adept in walking in them. And all the games I failed at. And crunches at home, and more walking. Aaahhh, I feel good!
Tomorrow, the max amount for me is 700 according to the SGD. I'm almost two full weeks in, and not noticing a whole lot of improvement...I need a better plan. I stole a workout plan from another blog I was reading, and am going to begin implementing that as soon as humanly possible.
God, how could I slip this far? Apparently for me, this is what recovery looks like. Never. Again. Pics tomorrow afternoon~ (If I remember x.x)
Shine on~
Edit: I think I found the source of my back/leg problems, too much weight on them. Think they can handle some early morning runs?
Giving serious thought to going to bed no later than 9pm anymore to wake up at 5, drink a cup of hot green tea, go for a run, and have "breakfast". The quotes are there because it'll likely be a chopped up quarter of an apple and a handful of raw oats. (They taste better raw for some reason. I can't explain it.)
Also, good news. We couldn't afford groceries, and neither can a friend of mine. So, all my junk food is finding it's way into her house so she'll have something to eat - It's fine if I starve, I'm trying to, but she doesn't need to suffer too. She's already gorgeous. <3
So after about an hour and a half of off and on crying, I put my makeup on, telling myself, "Once the mascara hits the eyelashes, no more damn waterworks!" Like magic, it all stopped, and I was just kinda...blah...instead of weepy and distraught. Like I'd taken Xanax or something. (Which I hadn't.)
Anyway. The evening went off nicely. The director even presented me with an award - AND HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT! That alone was enough to make the whole night worth dealing with five inch heels and looking at my friend Barbara (Who is so beautiful it hurts my pride every time I look at her).
I had no money in my pocket, which as a rule means no food. To drink this evening, I enjoyed two glasses of ice water that was oddly tasty, and some stolen nibbles from my neighbor's finished plate. (See, I'm weird. I like to nibble at leftovers, it FEELS like I'm eating a lot, when there's barely anything there, because I take such tiny bites that it takes me twice as long to eat.) I totaled it all out to be...
Drumroll...
527 calories!
(: And this is before running around like mad in the arcade part, in five inch heels, trying to keep up with someone that didn't understand I was wearing heels and am not adept in walking in them. And all the games I failed at. And crunches at home, and more walking. Aaahhh, I feel good!
Tomorrow, the max amount for me is 700 according to the SGD. I'm almost two full weeks in, and not noticing a whole lot of improvement...I need a better plan. I stole a workout plan from another blog I was reading, and am going to begin implementing that as soon as humanly possible.
God, how could I slip this far? Apparently for me, this is what recovery looks like. Never. Again. Pics tomorrow afternoon~ (If I remember x.x)
Shine on~
Edit: I think I found the source of my back/leg problems, too much weight on them. Think they can handle some early morning runs?
Giving serious thought to going to bed no later than 9pm anymore to wake up at 5, drink a cup of hot green tea, go for a run, and have "breakfast". The quotes are there because it'll likely be a chopped up quarter of an apple and a handful of raw oats. (They taste better raw for some reason. I can't explain it.)
Also, good news. We couldn't afford groceries, and neither can a friend of mine. So, all my junk food is finding it's way into her house so she'll have something to eat - It's fine if I starve, I'm trying to, but she doesn't need to suffer too. She's already gorgeous. <3
Friday, October 14, 2011
Yay, yatta!
In light of my past couple days of failure, I did so much better today and yesterday.
I lost the list of what I ate yesterday (My notebook can rarely go to school with me. People I talk with are getting suspicious of how I write every time I nibble on something. Those questions aren't welcome!) I do remember the end count, though - 359 total!! That's almost 100 under the total for that day, which was 450. Not bad, not bad~
Today, there were 3 small pieces of chicken, all dark meat. (I've stopped with the white meat only thing, after figuring out that dark meat was lower in calories.
Total was 208.32 exactly, and I do believe I'm done for the evening.
...Well, there was also a slice of toast with a small bit of peanut butter on it. Ouch...So it looks like my total is 413.32. That's not too bad, at least. It's under 450! :D
Unless my sugar drops through the floor again, I don't plan on eating again 'til tomorrow. And tomorrow, I'm going out, so I won't have time to get all 650 calories in. Woooh~
Oh, and also, there will be pictures soon. Of my non-tiny belly.
I lost the list of what I ate yesterday (My notebook can rarely go to school with me. People I talk with are getting suspicious of how I write every time I nibble on something. Those questions aren't welcome!) I do remember the end count, though - 359 total!! That's almost 100 under the total for that day, which was 450. Not bad, not bad~
Today, there were 3 small pieces of chicken, all dark meat. (I've stopped with the white meat only thing, after figuring out that dark meat was lower in calories.
Total was 208.32 exactly, and I do believe I'm done for the evening.
...Well, there was also a slice of toast with a small bit of peanut butter on it. Ouch...So it looks like my total is 413.32. That's not too bad, at least. It's under 450! :D
Unless my sugar drops through the floor again, I don't plan on eating again 'til tomorrow. And tomorrow, I'm going out, so I won't have time to get all 650 calories in. Woooh~
Oh, and also, there will be pictures soon. Of my non-tiny belly.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Failure.
My last two days were complete and utter fails.
Yesterday, Tuesday, a friend came and took my Nyxxie and me to dinner. I was sabotaged and made to order a meal that had no hope of being under 500 calories and just eating 3/5 of it. Guh.
Today...Today is completely my fault and the fault of my weak will.
No matter! I'm getting my ass back on track! 500 calories or less tomorrow, Thursday, day 11. If I eat more, it's razor blades on my ribs. No. More. Fuckups.
Yesterday, Tuesday, a friend came and took my Nyxxie and me to dinner. I was sabotaged and made to order a meal that had no hope of being under 500 calories and just eating 3/5 of it. Guh.
Today...Today is completely my fault and the fault of my weak will.
No matter! I'm getting my ass back on track! 500 calories or less tomorrow, Thursday, day 11. If I eat more, it's razor blades on my ribs. No. More. Fuckups.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
This is technically day 6.
 |
| Starvation is control. Control is tough. Bones are beautiful When thin is not enough. |
Afternoon (Slept in): 1 cup of spaghetti. 190.
Supper: 1/2 cup french fries (55), 1 bun, and 1/2 a venison burger. (Total 110 cal. It was a really small bun.)
Condiments: 1/2 tbsp mayo (22.5), 1 tbsp ketchup (20)
Evening: 1 small apple (currently eating). (40)
Snacks: 2 slices fresh baked italian bread. (180)
My total for the day comes to 617.5 calories for the day. Woo!
 |
| I want to look down and see this. |
 |
| Am I ever going to look like the size 4? |
And tomorrow night, if I behave, I get to dye my hair black again! I'm going to try writing out an actual meal plan for tomorrow using my soba noodles. Only half of what I have though, one serving is 200 calories...>.>; Bah humbug.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Oh crap. Oh snuff.
It's 12:39 pm right now, and I just woke up. I just woke up, and I want food. Not, "I'm hungry and my stomach hurts", no. I just *want* food, particularly chocolate. I don't need it, and I know I don't, and yet I want it so badly still. UGH. This is annoying. I don't want to eat 'til supper, and then even only have a little to eat. I hate cravings for sweet.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Skinny Girl, Coming Right Up!
This morning, I had a tiny, tiny apple. So tiny, in fact, that it barely took up half the palm of my hand. It rounded up to be about 10 calories.
This afternoon, I munched on ten miniature rice cakes, which put me up at 90 calories total.
I came home, after bumming a dollar off a friend for a bottle of cold water, to the scent of taco meat. Not just any taco meat, but venison, which only has 30 calories per ounce! I splurged on two ounces of venison, two taco shells, (250 there), half a serving of cheese (+60), accented with lettuce, tomato, a bit of onion, and some delicious habanero sauce.
90 + 250 + 70 = 160 + 250 = 410. I only went over by 10 calories! And I haven't even done my nightly exercises! I'm going to KILL those 10 extra calories, and then some.
Today is a new day! A new day, with Panda slowly breaking through her fat shell into the bright world as a beautiful, fat-free Fox!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Fluctuations...
I'm not happy about the recent fluctuations in my weight. Well, some of them I am. Like, the one that took me all the way down to 157lb....But not the one that abruptly put me back up at 163 the next day. Obviously I need to be more strict with myself.
No more than 300 calories per day, no matter what, from now on. This is disgusting. I don't care how it hurts anymore. I'll eat 300 calories, loaded with protein so my blood sugar will stay up at a decent level. I'll only use honey as sweetener...and I hate store bought honey, so I'll use less of it. Maybe Splenda, it's calorie-free...Only natural sea salt so the water in my body won't be so trapped by that damn iodine...And furthermore...NO MORE FUCKING CHEATING.
No more single bites of ice cream. No more nibbles of chocolate. No more gummy bears at all, not even one. No store-bought lemonade, ever. One bottle of diet soda in one day IF I've been good for a whole week...I know that junk is loaded with carbs somehow. I just know it is. And furthermore, my rice snacks will just be white rice with trivial amounts of soy sauce...or hot pepper...Capsaicin or however you spell it is my friend...
Fruit...will be natural..not sweetened...and eaten in small amounts...Lettuce is fair game...tomato is fair game...And nori is alright. One sheet is good fiber, and only ten calories, and it tastes delicious.
It is written, it MUST be done!
My goals area already being pushed back by a month...
No more than 300 calories per day, no matter what, from now on. This is disgusting. I don't care how it hurts anymore. I'll eat 300 calories, loaded with protein so my blood sugar will stay up at a decent level. I'll only use honey as sweetener...and I hate store bought honey, so I'll use less of it. Maybe Splenda, it's calorie-free...Only natural sea salt so the water in my body won't be so trapped by that damn iodine...And furthermore...NO MORE FUCKING CHEATING.
No more single bites of ice cream. No more nibbles of chocolate. No more gummy bears at all, not even one. No store-bought lemonade, ever. One bottle of diet soda in one day IF I've been good for a whole week...I know that junk is loaded with carbs somehow. I just know it is. And furthermore, my rice snacks will just be white rice with trivial amounts of soy sauce...or hot pepper...Capsaicin or however you spell it is my friend...
Fruit...will be natural..not sweetened...and eaten in small amounts...Lettuce is fair game...tomato is fair game...And nori is alright. One sheet is good fiber, and only ten calories, and it tastes delicious.
It is written, it MUST be done!
My goals area already being pushed back by a month...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Grr. I am SO mad right now.
Guess who missed her alarm by TWO HOURS? Yeah, this pissed off chick right here.
I didn't wake up at 5am like I wanted to. I didn't go to bed at 9pm like I wanted to. Instead, I ended up asleep around 11pm and I woke up at 7:15am. WHAT. THE FUCK. Granted, yeah, I did willingly answer my phone when Donovan called...But I haven't seen him in around two weeks. Hearing his voice was incredibly pleasant...But What the fuck.
I didn't wake up at 5am. I didn't get my 5am run in. I didn't get my 5:30am flush in. To get back on track, I didn't eat any breakfast, but I also neglected to get myself any tea this morning. I'll get lots of water in a little while, after this class at 10:45.
Tonight I'm going to bed at 9. I'm taking a shower as soon as I get back from my after-school power walk/run, depending on if I have time to change my shoes along with everything else.
Also, I neglected to pull out my chicken thigh. I'm going to call my dad and ask him to for me...I don't want to eat venison.
What will I have for dinner?
One chicken thigh, seasoned with garlic and lemon. Approximately 150 calories with seasoning. (I was amazed when I found out thigh was healthier than breast!)
Half a cup of white rice, no seasoning, not even butter. Approximately 120 calories. Going to check the package for an actual number.
Quarter cup of broccoli, if I have any, no seasoning. If I do not have broccoli, which I still have to check calories on it, I will wrap my rice up in nori to make myself little fish-free sushi rolls. (Yes, I know that sushi doesn't have fish, and that sushi is pickled rice. I will have sushi, not sashimi.)
Nori supper total: 280 calories.
Broccoli supper total: TBA.
I'll probably just go with the Nori Supper, in order to have a better count and a nice low number.
Shine on,
Panda
I didn't wake up at 5am like I wanted to. I didn't go to bed at 9pm like I wanted to. Instead, I ended up asleep around 11pm and I woke up at 7:15am. WHAT. THE FUCK. Granted, yeah, I did willingly answer my phone when Donovan called...But I haven't seen him in around two weeks. Hearing his voice was incredibly pleasant...But What the fuck.
I didn't wake up at 5am. I didn't get my 5am run in. I didn't get my 5:30am flush in. To get back on track, I didn't eat any breakfast, but I also neglected to get myself any tea this morning. I'll get lots of water in a little while, after this class at 10:45.
Tonight I'm going to bed at 9. I'm taking a shower as soon as I get back from my after-school power walk/run, depending on if I have time to change my shoes along with everything else.
Also, I neglected to pull out my chicken thigh. I'm going to call my dad and ask him to for me...I don't want to eat venison.
What will I have for dinner?
One chicken thigh, seasoned with garlic and lemon. Approximately 150 calories with seasoning. (I was amazed when I found out thigh was healthier than breast!)
Half a cup of white rice, no seasoning, not even butter. Approximately 120 calories. Going to check the package for an actual number.
Quarter cup of broccoli, if I have any, no seasoning. If I do not have broccoli, which I still have to check calories on it, I will wrap my rice up in nori to make myself little fish-free sushi rolls. (Yes, I know that sushi doesn't have fish, and that sushi is pickled rice. I will have sushi, not sashimi.)
Nori supper total: 280 calories.
Broccoli supper total: TBA.
I'll probably just go with the Nori Supper, in order to have a better count and a nice low number.
Shine on,
Panda
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Re-catalog of my goals and their deadlines.
I am currently 163lb.
9/30/11 GW - 150lb. Fastly approaching. Will be running for 30 mins in the morning, and then will be eating nothing more than one egg and drinking a cup of Earl Grey tea with 1/4 tsp of local starthistle honey in it every morning.
10/31/11 GW - 140lb. I want to look good for Youmacon. 160lb does NOT look good.
11/30/11 GW - 130lb. I will blatantly IGNORE the Thanksgiving feast. I will ONLY treat myself to half a piece of ONE kind of pie, and a VERY modestly portioned supper.
12/31/11 GW - 120lb. I want my boyfriend to kiss a PRETTY, THIN girl at midnight. I'm so sick of making him kiss an ugly fat girl every time I see him.
1/31/12 GW - 110lb. I'll almost be there. It'll be cold, but I'll still go out and run, and I hope I won't slip on any ice. I'll do 10 minute trainers every day. New Years resolution, anyone?
2/26/12 GW - 100lb. My ultimate goal weight for right now. I know this one is a shorter time than the others, but 2/26 is Donovan's birthday. For his birthday, I want a skinny, sexy girl to fuck his brains out. I want that girl that just flat out rocks his world to be me.
After that...I can't wait to see if I can go lower.
I also refuse to cut my hair 'til the short layer is below my shoulders. I need a new style, and I want my hair to get healthy enough to hold dye again - He said he loves me with black hair, let's see how he loves that skinny, sexy bitch with black hair. I *love* that goth turns him on.
9/30/11 GW - 150lb. Fastly approaching. Will be running for 30 mins in the morning, and then will be eating nothing more than one egg and drinking a cup of Earl Grey tea with 1/4 tsp of local starthistle honey in it every morning.
10/31/11 GW - 140lb. I want to look good for Youmacon. 160lb does NOT look good.
11/30/11 GW - 130lb. I will blatantly IGNORE the Thanksgiving feast. I will ONLY treat myself to half a piece of ONE kind of pie, and a VERY modestly portioned supper.
12/31/11 GW - 120lb. I want my boyfriend to kiss a PRETTY, THIN girl at midnight. I'm so sick of making him kiss an ugly fat girl every time I see him.
1/31/12 GW - 110lb. I'll almost be there. It'll be cold, but I'll still go out and run, and I hope I won't slip on any ice. I'll do 10 minute trainers every day. New Years resolution, anyone?
2/26/12 GW - 100lb. My ultimate goal weight for right now. I know this one is a shorter time than the others, but 2/26 is Donovan's birthday. For his birthday, I want a skinny, sexy girl to fuck his brains out. I want that girl that just flat out rocks his world to be me.
After that...I can't wait to see if I can go lower.
I also refuse to cut my hair 'til the short layer is below my shoulders. I need a new style, and I want my hair to get healthy enough to hold dye again - He said he loves me with black hair, let's see how he loves that skinny, sexy bitch with black hair. I *love* that goth turns him on.
STOP ASKING ME WHAT'S FOR DINNER!
Honestly, I'm slowly getting there. Slowly being the key word. My first goal date is in 11 days and I'm frozen 13lb above my second goal weight. However, I learned a few very valuable somethings in the past two weeks.
1- I want to eat less if I'm chewing on something. I learned this while chewing on a piece of a honeycomb to ease my throat (there was a tiny bit of local honey surrounding it, and it was followed by hot tea). While I chewed on the waxy honeycomb, my desire to eat just went *poof*. It was an interesting texture that kept my mouth and my mind occupied, and it had no flavour! Imagine that! I swallowed a piece of it, too, and it felt very unpleasant going down. Scratchy, even. Perhaps this weekend I'll buy myself a honeycomb each three days and chew on the honeycomb part during my "danger time", when I'm tempted to go and eat ... Well, anything that isn't soup or a delicious 0 calorie dill pickle. They're cheap, too! 50 cents for one, and I could chew on it for quite a while!
2 - Whenever my dad asks me, "What's for dinner?" I start thinking about food. I'm getting sick of it. Why don't you figure it out for yourself for once? I'm going to have SOUP. If not soup, then BROTH. I don't want to eat burger. I don't want to eat steak. I don't want to eat either one of those slathered in cream of mushroom soup with a tonne of noodles under them. Just shut up, and figure out your own dinner. I don't like to waste food by throwing it out, especially with us being in such a bind financially...But if I have to, I will! Even though it's venison, which I've learned has a LOT fewer calories than beef does, and virtually no fat because deer are constantly on the move (I could take some lessons from them), but it's still a lot of calories. And with the way my dad fixes it? Forget about it. It's a diet killer.
3 - I don't even look good in a corset anymore. Not even a nicely boned one. Which means, that I have to wear them more often UNDER my clothes, and use it as a tool to just restrict my eating habits. Waist training, here I come! I've got corset patterns. I've got extra material. I've got a sewing machine, and I've got hangers for boning. Good, hard-to-bend hangers. I've got grommets, too, and all that is missing is a busk!
4 - I'm not the only one that works in my area (the Faeries) that wants to lose weight...But she's so much prettier than I am already, lighter than me, thinner than me, and she carries herself much better than I do. In an effort to be more like her, I've stopped showing virtually any skin at all - skirts with very, very tight skin-toned tights under them and long socks to cover it up, long sleeves, even scarves to hide that disgusting look my neck and chin has. My hair is always down to hide my face. I figure this way...
This way when I finally reach my goal weight - 100lb even - and I finally take off the long sleeves, wear a pair of very well fitted pants, and tie my hair back, everyone will be stunned.
Five minutes after I post this and work up my courage (I don't know why it scares me), I'm going to chug 32oz of sea-salt water, fire up one of my hand-held video games and wait for the results. After they come, the rest of my food for the day will either be two pieces of fresh-baked bread, or four saltines. It depends on how I feel...I might add half a lemon to suck on a little bit. Those keep me occupied for quite a long time - both mouth and stomach.
Shine on,
Panda
Dear god...I'm nervous for some reason.
1- I want to eat less if I'm chewing on something. I learned this while chewing on a piece of a honeycomb to ease my throat (there was a tiny bit of local honey surrounding it, and it was followed by hot tea). While I chewed on the waxy honeycomb, my desire to eat just went *poof*. It was an interesting texture that kept my mouth and my mind occupied, and it had no flavour! Imagine that! I swallowed a piece of it, too, and it felt very unpleasant going down. Scratchy, even. Perhaps this weekend I'll buy myself a honeycomb each three days and chew on the honeycomb part during my "danger time", when I'm tempted to go and eat ... Well, anything that isn't soup or a delicious 0 calorie dill pickle. They're cheap, too! 50 cents for one, and I could chew on it for quite a while!
2 - Whenever my dad asks me, "What's for dinner?" I start thinking about food. I'm getting sick of it. Why don't you figure it out for yourself for once? I'm going to have SOUP. If not soup, then BROTH. I don't want to eat burger. I don't want to eat steak. I don't want to eat either one of those slathered in cream of mushroom soup with a tonne of noodles under them. Just shut up, and figure out your own dinner. I don't like to waste food by throwing it out, especially with us being in such a bind financially...But if I have to, I will! Even though it's venison, which I've learned has a LOT fewer calories than beef does, and virtually no fat because deer are constantly on the move (I could take some lessons from them), but it's still a lot of calories. And with the way my dad fixes it? Forget about it. It's a diet killer.
3 - I don't even look good in a corset anymore. Not even a nicely boned one. Which means, that I have to wear them more often UNDER my clothes, and use it as a tool to just restrict my eating habits. Waist training, here I come! I've got corset patterns. I've got extra material. I've got a sewing machine, and I've got hangers for boning. Good, hard-to-bend hangers. I've got grommets, too, and all that is missing is a busk!
4 - I'm not the only one that works in my area (the Faeries) that wants to lose weight...But she's so much prettier than I am already, lighter than me, thinner than me, and she carries herself much better than I do. In an effort to be more like her, I've stopped showing virtually any skin at all - skirts with very, very tight skin-toned tights under them and long socks to cover it up, long sleeves, even scarves to hide that disgusting look my neck and chin has. My hair is always down to hide my face. I figure this way...
This way when I finally reach my goal weight - 100lb even - and I finally take off the long sleeves, wear a pair of very well fitted pants, and tie my hair back, everyone will be stunned.
Five minutes after I post this and work up my courage (I don't know why it scares me), I'm going to chug 32oz of sea-salt water, fire up one of my hand-held video games and wait for the results. After they come, the rest of my food for the day will either be two pieces of fresh-baked bread, or four saltines. It depends on how I feel...I might add half a lemon to suck on a little bit. Those keep me occupied for quite a long time - both mouth and stomach.
Shine on,
Panda
Dear god...I'm nervous for some reason.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
What is this fuckery?!
What have I done in the past few days? Hm. Let me think...Eat, sleep, drink, do Festival and get sick.
How much have I eaten each day?
Friday: Not a lot.
Saturday: A breakfast of hash browns, sausage, a biscuit, and a cinnamon roll...some pita chips and garlic hummus. The fuck? Also had a Seagram's "Jamaican me Happy" and a cup of coffee.
Sunday: Dear god. Garlic hummus with pita chips, ice cream, and bread sticks. Cup of hot chai tea...and I mean HOT.
Monday: Hot dogs, tiny bit of chili (That one I can explain. I'm trying to get used to the taste of beans so I can have one actual meal a day, black beans and rice. Complete protein and all that rot. Maybe I'll cut the beans out. Still don't know.) and a diet pepsi.
Tuesday: Apple danish. Macaroni and cheese. Leftover hot dog. Leftover chili with some onion added. A cup of amazing white chocolate caramel cappuccino (which is hard to spell at 3:24 am). Tons of water. Honey vanilla chamomile with honey and milk added. Elka seltzer. (I ate so much today because I've come down with a flu...My mom always made me macaroni and cheese so I could sleep and get better.
Here's why I say WHAT THE FUCK.
I've LOST 5LB SINCE THURSDAY. How the FUCK does that happen?
I'm not going to test my luck. Tomorrow is chicken broth. Maybe one cup of soup with noodles. Water. Hot tea. One cup of hot cocoa at bed time so I go to sleep and can go to school the next day! I know I'm sick. I have to keep hydrated.
Fucking flu.
In any event...My first goal of 150lb is coming closer. My deadline is the last day of September!
150lb - 9/30/2011
140lb - 10/31/2011
130lb - 11/30/2011
Come on, you can do this Panda! Then you'll be a pretty Panda!!
On that note...Anabuddy. Please. ; ; Preferably in my home area so I can text you. If not in my home area, then Verizon. Someone with Verizon.
How much have I eaten each day?
Friday: Not a lot.
Saturday: A breakfast of hash browns, sausage, a biscuit, and a cinnamon roll...some pita chips and garlic hummus. The fuck? Also had a Seagram's "Jamaican me Happy" and a cup of coffee.
Sunday: Dear god. Garlic hummus with pita chips, ice cream, and bread sticks. Cup of hot chai tea...and I mean HOT.
Monday: Hot dogs, tiny bit of chili (That one I can explain. I'm trying to get used to the taste of beans so I can have one actual meal a day, black beans and rice. Complete protein and all that rot. Maybe I'll cut the beans out. Still don't know.) and a diet pepsi.
Tuesday: Apple danish. Macaroni and cheese. Leftover hot dog. Leftover chili with some onion added. A cup of amazing white chocolate caramel cappuccino (which is hard to spell at 3:24 am). Tons of water. Honey vanilla chamomile with honey and milk added. Elka seltzer. (I ate so much today because I've come down with a flu...My mom always made me macaroni and cheese so I could sleep and get better.
Here's why I say WHAT THE FUCK.
I've LOST 5LB SINCE THURSDAY. How the FUCK does that happen?
I'm not going to test my luck. Tomorrow is chicken broth. Maybe one cup of soup with noodles. Water. Hot tea. One cup of hot cocoa at bed time so I go to sleep and can go to school the next day! I know I'm sick. I have to keep hydrated.
Fucking flu.
In any event...My first goal of 150lb is coming closer. My deadline is the last day of September!
150lb - 9/30/2011
140lb - 10/31/2011
130lb - 11/30/2011
Come on, you can do this Panda! Then you'll be a pretty Panda!!
On that note...Anabuddy. Please. ; ; Preferably in my home area so I can text you. If not in my home area, then Verizon. Someone with Verizon.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Gah.
I did a test of the lemonade diet to see if I could stomach the lemonade, or if it was just a better idea to just straight up fast for a while. I mixed it up just like one of the sites I found said to...
But it turns out I'm allergic to cayenne pepper. Still. I knew I was when I was little, so I avoided it like the plague, but drinking just one glass of the lemonade did nothing but make me sick to my stomach...And not in the way that I was going to start throwing up. That would have been fine. Instead it was just a residual sickness that wouldn't go away with no other feeling. Bah.
SO. I'm going to try something new...I'll let you all know what it is and if I can stick to it by Monday. Still doing the salt water cleanse, though!
Wish me luck...Now if I can get rid of this horrendous burning feeling in my throat...
But it turns out I'm allergic to cayenne pepper. Still. I knew I was when I was little, so I avoided it like the plague, but drinking just one glass of the lemonade did nothing but make me sick to my stomach...And not in the way that I was going to start throwing up. That would have been fine. Instead it was just a residual sickness that wouldn't go away with no other feeling. Bah.
SO. I'm going to try something new...I'll let you all know what it is and if I can stick to it by Monday. Still doing the salt water cleanse, though!
Wish me luck...Now if I can get rid of this horrendous burning feeling in my throat...
Friday, September 2, 2011
Lemons...
Lemons...I have lemons now. I got a small bag of them...For only $3. I also got a fairly large container of cayenne pepper and I got some maple syrup. Guess what starts soon?
I'll give you a hint: It involves very odd tasting lemonade and some very salty water.
Wish me luck, I'm actually a little scared to try this! Haha. It makes no sense, I know.
I found a big enough container to do the salt water flush in the mornings, and I got more sea salt. I probably don't have enough to do very much of these methods, but money is very tight right now. I have some money right now, so I might end up getting more lemons and shoving the rest in my gas tank.
Oh, school. You ruin my funds.
I'll give you a hint: It involves very odd tasting lemonade and some very salty water.
Wish me luck, I'm actually a little scared to try this! Haha. It makes no sense, I know.
I found a big enough container to do the salt water flush in the mornings, and I got more sea salt. I probably don't have enough to do very much of these methods, but money is very tight right now. I have some money right now, so I might end up getting more lemons and shoving the rest in my gas tank.
Oh, school. You ruin my funds.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fucking menstruation.
Dear Mother Nature,
Take your gift back. I don't want it. I can deal with the bleeding, sure. But the cramping and bloating...It makes me look even fatter than I normally do. And the mood swings? Because of you, I wouldn't even go see my boyfriend today because I felt so god damn unstable. I didn't want to snap at him.
Oh, and let's talk about those damn cravings and all that unnecessary pain. Because of you, I ate two sandwiches today, with peanut butter and home made strawberry jam my aunt sent us. Not only that, but a bowl of cereal with almond milk, all to stop the unholy stabbing PAIN you put in my stomach. You KNEW I was planning to fast, didn't you? You just want to sabotage me. Get out of my body, I want to fast!
Get out of my body, I want to be skinny!
Love,
Panda Dearest
Take your gift back. I don't want it. I can deal with the bleeding, sure. But the cramping and bloating...It makes me look even fatter than I normally do. And the mood swings? Because of you, I wouldn't even go see my boyfriend today because I felt so god damn unstable. I didn't want to snap at him.
Oh, and let's talk about those damn cravings and all that unnecessary pain. Because of you, I ate two sandwiches today, with peanut butter and home made strawberry jam my aunt sent us. Not only that, but a bowl of cereal with almond milk, all to stop the unholy stabbing PAIN you put in my stomach. You KNEW I was planning to fast, didn't you? You just want to sabotage me. Get out of my body, I want to fast!
Get out of my body, I want to be skinny!
Love,
Panda Dearest
Monday, August 29, 2011
A big bowl.
I work at the Renaissance Festival not-so-near me. I run with children all day long when my left leg allows it, I dance every morning, and it's rare for me to eat more than a little even on these days when it's a sure thing that my stomach will be growling.
I had a wooden bowl that I used during these times, a large square bowl. I rarely used the thing, myself, but instead I shared it with whoever had no bowl to themselves or perhaps even forgot it. Back in 2009, it usually held my meager food along with meals for two other people.
This year, a tiny Asian girl I work with in my area, took a look at my bowl and immediately made cracks about my weight and how much I eat. "Aye, this one can really put it away," she said first, and poked at my stomach through my bodice.
I found a much smaller bowl that I can barely fit anything into, and I've started using this thing to hold my food during the day. It barely holds anything at all, so even when I have something small it looks like I'm eating a lot. Maybe I should just get rid of having a bowl altogether and just keep a cup for water, even there.
I'm very far from done. I'm starting the salt water flush tonight.
I had a wooden bowl that I used during these times, a large square bowl. I rarely used the thing, myself, but instead I shared it with whoever had no bowl to themselves or perhaps even forgot it. Back in 2009, it usually held my meager food along with meals for two other people.
This year, a tiny Asian girl I work with in my area, took a look at my bowl and immediately made cracks about my weight and how much I eat. "Aye, this one can really put it away," she said first, and poked at my stomach through my bodice.
I found a much smaller bowl that I can barely fit anything into, and I've started using this thing to hold my food during the day. It barely holds anything at all, so even when I have something small it looks like I'm eating a lot. Maybe I should just get rid of having a bowl altogether and just keep a cup for water, even there.
I'm very far from done. I'm starting the salt water flush tonight.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Cravings.
Oh my god. I want toast with peanut butter so badly right now. SO badly. I can practically feel myself chewing on it, and I can practically taste it. I don't want to eat this but oh my god I want it. x.x This is like wanting sex but not being in the mood or something like that...Dear lord, why?!
I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.
I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...
I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.
I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...
I found this...
It's a lovely little thing, isn't it?
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
 |
| I have so far to go... |
My goodness...
I used to loathe the taste of celery. Back when I didn't care what I ate, and just chewed on everything in sight. When I didn't care about fat.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I need a new schedule...
And the motivation to stick to it. I wish I had an email or text buddy to help me keep on track. If you're interested, my current email is haruvenna@gmail.com - I check it daily now, wishing that I hadn't let it go for so long. I missed out on three people that could have helped me seriously. I'm going to try starting my new schedule tomorrow, but it likely won't be in full effect until Thursday. I'm starting out slow, too...I've been sick, so my lungs aren't what they should be.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
In retribution for the food I was made to eat, I will not eat tomorrow. It is written, and it shall be, even if it drives you insane...Grr.
On a side note, my appetite is happily smaller than usual. Could it be to do with the antidepressants I'm taking? Possibly. I don't care, I like what's happening.
On a side note, my appetite is happily smaller than usual. Could it be to do with the antidepressants I'm taking? Possibly. I don't care, I like what's happening.
I'm getting very good at math lately.
I'm starting fresh. It's been so hard for me to get back on track. People have been hovering over me like there's been no tomorrow, policing every "meal" and threatening me with getting doctors involved again. Dear lord...This is irritating. They haven't even been letting me go out for "walks". I don't want to risk my throat with purging and I can't afford laxatives right now. Unemployment is a big fail.
Anyway. My name's Panda, when I'm on the internet. I also answer to Haru and Venna. I'm twenty years old, and I've struggled with what they're now calling EDNOS since I was twelve years old. I started off binging, and I gained a lot of weight from it...I started purging it back up when I was about fifteen. I don't know how I had the balls to do that, now I try to and I'm scared about it unless all I had was soup. For about a year I was "ED free" according to some people..But I was restricting. A lot.
I'm restricting a lot more now, and trying to work up the courage to start purging again. My all time best is going two full days - 48 hours - without eating anything at all. I was still able to function perfectly, and all I ate on the third day was 200 calories worth of fresh vegetables and chicken broth. I'm trying to work my way up to doing it for a full week, maybe more. I want to go as long as I can without dying.
I just want to be beautiful and thin. We all know that big isn't beautiful. I've even seen it on my boyfriend's face, looking at a girl we both agree is beautiful. She's much thinner than I am... Therefore cuter, prettier, more beautiful, and more desirable. When I look at her I see my "thinspiration"...She doesn't know, though, and she's a good friend of mine, so I'll see her a lot, and get to just watch her be beautiful. My boyfriend is my other "thinspiration"...I want him to look at me the way that he looked at her, to have to walk away from me because I'm too beautiful. I want to deserve him and be everything that he deserves. He's going to help me, and he doesn't even know it.
That being said, what have I eaten today?
5 corn chips, at 65 calories total.
1/2 cup of tuna, at 120 calories total.
So far, that's 185 calories total for today. Much better than yesterday's 526 calories. I haven't decided if I want another 5 corn chips for supper, or if I want a bowl of beef broth (which comes to 5 calories total), or if I want to finish off my tuna at another 120 calories, and stay under 200 tomorrow since that second half of a cup of tuna will put me at 305.
I'm getting very good at math because of this.
Anyway. My name's Panda, when I'm on the internet. I also answer to Haru and Venna. I'm twenty years old, and I've struggled with what they're now calling EDNOS since I was twelve years old. I started off binging, and I gained a lot of weight from it...I started purging it back up when I was about fifteen. I don't know how I had the balls to do that, now I try to and I'm scared about it unless all I had was soup. For about a year I was "ED free" according to some people..But I was restricting. A lot.
I'm restricting a lot more now, and trying to work up the courage to start purging again. My all time best is going two full days - 48 hours - without eating anything at all. I was still able to function perfectly, and all I ate on the third day was 200 calories worth of fresh vegetables and chicken broth. I'm trying to work my way up to doing it for a full week, maybe more. I want to go as long as I can without dying.
I just want to be beautiful and thin. We all know that big isn't beautiful. I've even seen it on my boyfriend's face, looking at a girl we both agree is beautiful. She's much thinner than I am... Therefore cuter, prettier, more beautiful, and more desirable. When I look at her I see my "thinspiration"...She doesn't know, though, and she's a good friend of mine, so I'll see her a lot, and get to just watch her be beautiful. My boyfriend is my other "thinspiration"...I want him to look at me the way that he looked at her, to have to walk away from me because I'm too beautiful. I want to deserve him and be everything that he deserves. He's going to help me, and he doesn't even know it.
That being said, what have I eaten today?
5 corn chips, at 65 calories total.
1/2 cup of tuna, at 120 calories total.
So far, that's 185 calories total for today. Much better than yesterday's 526 calories. I haven't decided if I want another 5 corn chips for supper, or if I want a bowl of beef broth (which comes to 5 calories total), or if I want to finish off my tuna at another 120 calories, and stay under 200 tomorrow since that second half of a cup of tuna will put me at 305.
I'm getting very good at math because of this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)