Oh my god. I want toast with peanut butter so badly right now. SO badly. I can practically feel myself chewing on it, and I can practically taste it. I don't want to eat this but oh my god I want it. x.x This is like wanting sex but not being in the mood or something like that...Dear lord, why?!
I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.
I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I found this...
It's a lovely little thing, isn't it?
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
 |
| I have so far to go... |
My goodness...
I used to loathe the taste of celery. Back when I didn't care what I ate, and just chewed on everything in sight. When I didn't care about fat.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I need a new schedule...
And the motivation to stick to it. I wish I had an email or text buddy to help me keep on track. If you're interested, my current email is haruvenna@gmail.com - I check it daily now, wishing that I hadn't let it go for so long. I missed out on three people that could have helped me seriously. I'm going to try starting my new schedule tomorrow, but it likely won't be in full effect until Thursday. I'm starting out slow, too...I've been sick, so my lungs aren't what they should be.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
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