Lemons...I have lemons now. I got a small bag of them...For only $3. I also got a fairly large container of cayenne pepper and I got some maple syrup. Guess what starts soon?
I'll give you a hint: It involves very odd tasting lemonade and some very salty water.
Wish me luck, I'm actually a little scared to try this! Haha. It makes no sense, I know.
I found a big enough container to do the salt water flush in the mornings, and I got more sea salt. I probably don't have enough to do very much of these methods, but money is very tight right now. I have some money right now, so I might end up getting more lemons and shoving the rest in my gas tank.
Oh, school. You ruin my funds.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fucking menstruation.
Dear Mother Nature,
Take your gift back. I don't want it. I can deal with the bleeding, sure. But the cramping and bloating...It makes me look even fatter than I normally do. And the mood swings? Because of you, I wouldn't even go see my boyfriend today because I felt so god damn unstable. I didn't want to snap at him.
Oh, and let's talk about those damn cravings and all that unnecessary pain. Because of you, I ate two sandwiches today, with peanut butter and home made strawberry jam my aunt sent us. Not only that, but a bowl of cereal with almond milk, all to stop the unholy stabbing PAIN you put in my stomach. You KNEW I was planning to fast, didn't you? You just want to sabotage me. Get out of my body, I want to fast!
Get out of my body, I want to be skinny!
Love,
Panda Dearest
Take your gift back. I don't want it. I can deal with the bleeding, sure. But the cramping and bloating...It makes me look even fatter than I normally do. And the mood swings? Because of you, I wouldn't even go see my boyfriend today because I felt so god damn unstable. I didn't want to snap at him.
Oh, and let's talk about those damn cravings and all that unnecessary pain. Because of you, I ate two sandwiches today, with peanut butter and home made strawberry jam my aunt sent us. Not only that, but a bowl of cereal with almond milk, all to stop the unholy stabbing PAIN you put in my stomach. You KNEW I was planning to fast, didn't you? You just want to sabotage me. Get out of my body, I want to fast!
Get out of my body, I want to be skinny!
Love,
Panda Dearest
Monday, August 29, 2011
A big bowl.
I work at the Renaissance Festival not-so-near me. I run with children all day long when my left leg allows it, I dance every morning, and it's rare for me to eat more than a little even on these days when it's a sure thing that my stomach will be growling.
I had a wooden bowl that I used during these times, a large square bowl. I rarely used the thing, myself, but instead I shared it with whoever had no bowl to themselves or perhaps even forgot it. Back in 2009, it usually held my meager food along with meals for two other people.
This year, a tiny Asian girl I work with in my area, took a look at my bowl and immediately made cracks about my weight and how much I eat. "Aye, this one can really put it away," she said first, and poked at my stomach through my bodice.
I found a much smaller bowl that I can barely fit anything into, and I've started using this thing to hold my food during the day. It barely holds anything at all, so even when I have something small it looks like I'm eating a lot. Maybe I should just get rid of having a bowl altogether and just keep a cup for water, even there.
I'm very far from done. I'm starting the salt water flush tonight.
I had a wooden bowl that I used during these times, a large square bowl. I rarely used the thing, myself, but instead I shared it with whoever had no bowl to themselves or perhaps even forgot it. Back in 2009, it usually held my meager food along with meals for two other people.
This year, a tiny Asian girl I work with in my area, took a look at my bowl and immediately made cracks about my weight and how much I eat. "Aye, this one can really put it away," she said first, and poked at my stomach through my bodice.
I found a much smaller bowl that I can barely fit anything into, and I've started using this thing to hold my food during the day. It barely holds anything at all, so even when I have something small it looks like I'm eating a lot. Maybe I should just get rid of having a bowl altogether and just keep a cup for water, even there.
I'm very far from done. I'm starting the salt water flush tonight.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Cravings.
Oh my god. I want toast with peanut butter so badly right now. SO badly. I can practically feel myself chewing on it, and I can practically taste it. I don't want to eat this but oh my god I want it. x.x This is like wanting sex but not being in the mood or something like that...Dear lord, why?!
I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.
I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...
I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.
I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...
I found this...
It's a lovely little thing, isn't it?
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.
 |
| I have so far to go... |
My goodness...
I used to loathe the taste of celery. Back when I didn't care what I ate, and just chewed on everything in sight. When I didn't care about fat.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
It's amazing what looking in a mirror will do to you. I have to be incredibly careful now...I stopped smoking recently. I don't want to gain more weight. I'm so scared I'll be fat for the rest of my life. >.< I don't want to be like that.
My dad is trying to sabotage me, too. He insists that "you need to eat more than a stick of celery for dinner"...Well I'll show him. I need to overcome my fear of purging.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I need a new schedule...
And the motivation to stick to it. I wish I had an email or text buddy to help me keep on track. If you're interested, my current email is haruvenna@gmail.com - I check it daily now, wishing that I hadn't let it go for so long. I missed out on three people that could have helped me seriously. I'm going to try starting my new schedule tomorrow, but it likely won't be in full effect until Thursday. I'm starting out slow, too...I've been sick, so my lungs aren't what they should be.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
Please, someone email me!
The new schedule needs to include the following items:
Waking up.
Breakfast (Oatmeal [100-120 calories], veggie bacon [haven't got any packages yet to see how much], OR 1 egg [No egg carton to look at right now.], and a glass of either ice water or a cup of hot tea. Maybe coffee.)
120 minutes of exercise, broken into 10-20 minutes, 6-12 times a day. More will be added if I find myself sitting idly. [40 minutes cardio. 20 minutes lower body. 20 minutes upper body. 40 minutes full body. 20 minutes stretching/yoga.]
60 minutes of violin or bass or guitar practice.
Snacks comprised of negative calorie foods (Celery, dill pickles, MAYBE an apple cut into tiny bits.)
30 minutes of Costuming/Sewing.
60+ minutes of drawing/writing/some creative outlet that isn't playing an instrument.
Dinner (One bowl of broth made from boiling water and 1 bullion cube [5 calories], some crackers [Will get an actual count for these ASAP.], and either ice water or hot tea.)
15-30 minutes for Shower/Makeup/Thinspiration.
8 hours of sleep.
1-4 hours of house work. (Cleaning, dishes, laundry, tidying the room up)
Total: 19 hours, depending on how I play it.
I didn't add in video games for my down time, I didn't add in my boyfriend, and I didn't add in visiting my brother. I also may be getting a dog soon, so I expect "walking the dog" or "playing with the puppy" will be added in there soon as well.
When I start school, add in:
60-120 minutes for Homework
Class from 8am-4pm Tuesday, Thursday.
I think if I can just make myself stick to this, I won't have the time to eat. Especially if I start costuming enough to make some money, enough money to get some heavy duty zip-ties to use for boning in a corset I'll keep laced nice and tightly until I look beautiful in it, with no random flab hanging over the sides or squishing out the bottom.
My name is Panda, and I weigh 166lbs. I'm 5'4". I've been diagnosed as EDNOS because of my somehow changing eating habits since I was 12 years old. It started with a lot of eating, it led to throwing up, it led to more eating, and slowly led to not eating at all. But, now I have a goal rather than self punishment.
I have blades for that shit. Blades, and soon I'll have snow.
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