What is this fuckery?!

What have I done in the past few days? Hm. Let me think...Eat, sleep, drink, do Festival and get sick.


How much have I eaten each day?
Friday: Not a lot.
Saturday: A breakfast of hash browns, sausage, a biscuit, and a cinnamon roll...some pita chips and garlic hummus. The fuck? Also had a Seagram's "Jamaican me Happy" and a cup of coffee.
Sunday: Dear god. Garlic hummus with pita chips, ice cream, and bread sticks. Cup of hot chai tea...and I mean HOT.
Monday: Hot dogs, tiny bit of chili (That one I can explain. I'm trying to get used to the taste of beans so I can have one actual meal a day, black beans and rice. Complete protein and all that rot. Maybe I'll cut the beans out. Still don't know.) and a diet pepsi.
Tuesday: Apple danish. Macaroni and cheese. Leftover hot dog. Leftover chili with some onion added. A cup of amazing white chocolate caramel cappuccino (which is hard to spell at 3:24 am). Tons of water. Honey vanilla chamomile with honey and milk added. Elka seltzer. (I ate so much today because I've come down with a flu...My mom always made me macaroni and cheese so I could sleep and get better.

Here's why I say WHAT THE FUCK.

I've LOST 5LB SINCE THURSDAY. How the FUCK does that happen?

I'm not going to test my luck. Tomorrow is chicken broth. Maybe one cup of soup with noodles. Water. Hot tea. One cup of hot cocoa at bed time so I go to sleep and can go to school the next day! I know I'm sick. I have to keep hydrated.

Fucking flu.


In any event...My first goal of 150lb is coming closer. My deadline is the last day of September!

150lb - 9/30/2011
140lb - 10/31/2011
130lb - 11/30/2011

Come on, you can do this Panda! Then you'll be a pretty Panda!!

On that note...Anabuddy. Please. ; ; Preferably in my home area so I can text you. If not in my home area, then Verizon. Someone with Verizon.

Gah.

I did a test of the lemonade diet to see if I could stomach the lemonade, or if it was just a better idea to just straight up fast for a while. I mixed it up just like one of the sites I found said to...

But it turns out I'm allergic to cayenne pepper. Still. I knew I was when I was little, so I avoided it like the plague, but drinking just one glass of the lemonade did nothing but make me sick to my stomach...And not in the way that I was going to start throwing up. That would have been fine. Instead it was just a residual sickness that wouldn't go away with no other feeling. Bah.


SO. I'm going to try something new...I'll let you all know what it is and if I can stick to it by Monday. Still doing the salt water cleanse, though!


Wish me luck...Now if I can get rid of this horrendous burning feeling in my throat...

Lemons...

Lemons...I have lemons now. I got a small bag of them...For only $3. I also got a fairly large container of cayenne pepper and I got some maple syrup. Guess what starts soon?

I'll give you a hint: It involves very odd tasting lemonade and some very salty water.

Wish me luck, I'm actually a little scared to try this! Haha. It makes no sense, I know.

I found a big enough container to do the salt water flush in the mornings, and I got more sea salt. I probably don't have enough to do very much of these methods, but money is very tight right now. I have some money right now, so I might end up getting more lemons and shoving the rest in my gas tank.

Oh, school. You ruin my funds.

Fucking menstruation.

Dear Mother Nature,

Take your gift back. I don't want it. I can deal with the bleeding, sure. But the cramping and bloating...It makes me look even fatter than I normally do. And the mood swings? Because of you, I wouldn't even go see my boyfriend today because I felt so god damn unstable. I didn't want to snap at him.


Oh, and let's talk about those damn cravings and all that unnecessary pain. Because of you, I ate two sandwiches today, with peanut butter and home made strawberry jam my aunt sent us. Not only that, but a bowl of cereal with almond milk, all to stop the unholy stabbing PAIN you put in my stomach. You KNEW I was planning to fast, didn't you? You just want to sabotage me. Get out of my body, I want to fast!


Get out of my body, I want to be skinny!


Love,
Panda Dearest

A big bowl.

I work at the Renaissance Festival not-so-near me. I run with children all day long when my left leg allows it, I dance every morning, and it's rare for me to eat more than a little even on these days when it's a sure thing that my stomach will be growling.


I had a wooden bowl that I used during these times, a large square bowl. I rarely used the thing, myself, but instead I shared it with whoever had no bowl to themselves or perhaps even forgot it. Back in 2009, it usually held my meager food along with meals for two other people.


This year, a tiny Asian girl I work with in my area, took a look at my bowl and immediately made cracks about my weight and how much I eat. "Aye, this one can really put it away," she said first, and poked at my stomach through my bodice.


I found a much smaller bowl that I can barely fit anything into, and I've started using this thing to hold my food during the day. It barely holds anything at all, so even when I have something small it looks like I'm eating a lot. Maybe I should just get rid of having a bowl altogether and just keep a cup for water, even there.


I'm very far from done. I'm starting the salt water flush tonight.

Cravings.

Oh my god. I want toast with peanut butter so badly right now. SO badly. I can practically feel myself chewing on it, and I can practically taste it. I don't want to eat this but oh my god I want it. x.x This is like wanting sex but not being in the mood or something like that...Dear lord, why?!

I hope to god that chewing on celery will make it go away. No peanut butter on it. None whatsoever.


I fear this is going to be the first of many much worse ones...

I found this...

It's a lovely little thing, isn't it?
I have so far to go, but I think I can do it. I'll probably have to make friends with my darling Mia again, even though Mia is frightening to me. I'm getting desperate.

I have so far to go...