I'm trying to get used to the feeling of hunger again. It's so weird, it feels almost like it's crying at me. I know, though. I know.
"My stomach isn't growling, it's applauding."
Maybe it's just too excited right now, and that's why it hurts.I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed...I'm not feeling well.
Today's limit: 1200 kcal. (1100 eaten)
Tomorrow's limit: 1000 kcal.
I'm going to slowly decrease, little by little... When I get used to about 600 kcal a day, I'll do the Skinny Girl Diet again. And follow all the way through. I can do this.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I'm so sore.
I really am just so. Sore. My neck and my shoulders and my back particularly. At least my legs aren't sore. I'm going to have to make sure that my back recovers tonight so I can do more crunches tomorrow in the morning when I wake up.
I think, tomorrow, I'm going to do some digital art and a lot of crunches, if Nyxxie doesn't need her tablet. If I do, I'll be live-streaming it, so here's the link ahead of time: Venna's Art
I set it up so it'll load in another window, in case you weren't done looking at things here.
For tonight, I think I'll do a bunch of stretches before bed - A dancer once told me that it helps you become more flexible if you stretch before bed as opposed to the first thing in the morning. I want to do a split this year. It sounds fun, doesn't it?
Anyway. Here's some pretty music to lull me to sleep.
I think, tomorrow, I'm going to do some digital art and a lot of crunches, if Nyxxie doesn't need her tablet. If I do, I'll be live-streaming it, so here's the link ahead of time: Venna's Art
I set it up so it'll load in another window, in case you weren't done looking at things here.
For tonight, I think I'll do a bunch of stretches before bed - A dancer once told me that it helps you become more flexible if you stretch before bed as opposed to the first thing in the morning. I want to do a split this year. It sounds fun, doesn't it?
Anyway. Here's some pretty music to lull me to sleep.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year.
Happy new year, everyone. I'm going to bore you with some resolutions I should have posted yesterday, but to be honest...I was just having way too much fun to worry about ANYTHING yesterday, despite waking up in the early morning in a full panic attack and realizing my xanax was in a purse that I didn't have with me on new year's eve. Good people, the smartest and sweetest dog I've ever met in my life, and God of War 3. But mostly, the doggy. So friendly, so cute, so sweet, and so bloody smart, what more does someone need? ..Oh yeah. Resolutions. Right.
1. Lose 50-70 pounds. That means the goal weight is 117-97 pounds. I'm more excited for the 97.
2. Meditate twice daily.
3. Sew one item per week.
4. Conquer irrational fear of the dark.
5. Become much more flexible.
6. Wean myself down to 200 kcal per day.
7. Wear a bikini in the summer.
8. Save up $100.
9. Retain my sleep schedule of 7 hours per night, usually from 11pm to 6am.
10. Get a workout partner. -Completed
11. Post. In. This. Blog.
Similar goals:
1. Pierce my ear three more times on each side - two lobe and one cartilage and count an industrial as one.
2. Pierce my right eyebrow.
3. Improve my anatomy sketches.
4. Sing more.
It's a lot of them. It really is. I'm really interested in R1, R2, R4, R5, R7, and all four goals.
Well, what are some of yours? Comment below and let me know, I'm interested in hearing about them.
1. Lose 50-70 pounds. That means the goal weight is 117-97 pounds. I'm more excited for the 97.
2. Meditate twice daily.
3. Sew one item per week.
4. Conquer irrational fear of the dark.
5. Become much more flexible.
6. Wean myself down to 200 kcal per day.
7. Wear a bikini in the summer.
8. Save up $100.
9. Retain my sleep schedule of 7 hours per night, usually from 11pm to 6am.
11. Post. In. This. Blog.
Similar goals:
1. Pierce my ear three more times on each side - two lobe and one cartilage and count an industrial as one.
2. Pierce my right eyebrow.
3. Improve my anatomy sketches.
4. Sing more.
It's a lot of them. It really is. I'm really interested in R1, R2, R4, R5, R7, and all four goals.
Well, what are some of yours? Comment below and let me know, I'm interested in hearing about them.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Illness.
I don't know what it is. It's as though my body is rebelling against forced recovery. Which is awesome and all that - but I'd really rather be getting somewhere instead of sick.
After doing some research, however,I'm worried about my gall bladder. Apparently I have most of the signs of it being kind of seriously infected, minus serious stomach cramps...Which means doctors again. You know, I completely forgot that that think even existed, and now I'm finding out that it might be the source of my discomfort.
To elaborate: No matter what I eat, whether it's as simple as a salad, or an actual meal with lean meat, a vegetable and the tiniest bit of bread. Even if I eat a slice of apple, I immediately feel ill. Nauseous, with unexplained pain between my shoulderblades...Dizzy, headached, among many other things. I hope to god I'm just being a hypochrondiac, and there's nothing really wrong with that.
However...
Current Stats:
Weight: 157lb
Height: 5'4"
Waist: 34"
Hips: 40"
Pants size: 10 (What?)
Ugh. Why can't my inability to eat properly be helping me?
After doing some research, however,I'm worried about my gall bladder. Apparently I have most of the signs of it being kind of seriously infected, minus serious stomach cramps...Which means doctors again. You know, I completely forgot that that think even existed, and now I'm finding out that it might be the source of my discomfort.
To elaborate: No matter what I eat, whether it's as simple as a salad, or an actual meal with lean meat, a vegetable and the tiniest bit of bread. Even if I eat a slice of apple, I immediately feel ill. Nauseous, with unexplained pain between my shoulderblades...Dizzy, headached, among many other things. I hope to god I'm just being a hypochrondiac, and there's nothing really wrong with that.
However...
Current Stats:
Weight: 157lb
Height: 5'4"
Waist: 34"
Hips: 40"
Pants size: 10 (What?)
Ugh. Why can't my inability to eat properly be helping me?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Black Lipstick.
Regarding my last post, it's gotten worse.
Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.
Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)
While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.
Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.
A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...
Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.
Halloween is the one time of year I'm usually happy. Carefree, even. Well, I had the bright idea to invite the ex-boyfriend out with me and another friend. I'm sure you can guess how THAT went.
Within thirty minutes, he was talking about a cute girl he knows who just drove him WILD by wearing black lipstick. (In case you missed that, he thinks "goth chicks" are hot, in his words.)
While I'm sitting in front of him, beside my friend, wearing black lipstick for Halloween.
Thanks. Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH. None of this would be an issue if I was cute. If I was pretty. If I wasn't disgusting.
A double-edge, it seems. Damaged my self-esteem...a lot...but fucked with my mind enough to give me the resolve to...wait for it...
Not bother with any kind of food for the entire week. All I have to do is think about what he said and how he said it...and everything becomes nauseating. I couldn't even finish half of a chai tea latte, thinking about it. Sigh.. I wish it didn't come to me wanting to slit my wrists or hang myself to find this kind of resolve.
A losing battle.
There's no other way I can put it. I'm fighting a losing battle. For once, this has very little to do with my weight.
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
I haven't posted in a while, here or in the chronicles. I've barely had access to the internet. I've barely had access to my sanity and to my life.
Couple weeks ago, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I didn't want to wake up. Even now I'm having a hard time finding the point to all of this. This stupid life. Every time I talk to someone, all I hear is "It's not that bad", or I get blown off and told about their "sucky life". "Oh, how horrible, six guys like me at once, I don't know what to do. Only two are cute."
That's nice. I can't even get groceries for my father and I can't afford my medication, I'm taking pills that are probably six months to a year old and trying to ration out everything, even my water. (Which makes no sense...that much is free to me.) I'm a goddamn wreck lately. I'm in constant pain, emotional and physical, to the point that the emotional pain is becoming physical pain.
My chest has been hurting for days. Over a week. Other than pain, I can't feel anything. I can hardly feel the keyboard under my fingers or the chair under my ass.
I don't know what to do at this point. You know I've been purposely fucking my piercings up so I can say, "Whoops, I slipped, look at the pretty blood..."
Monday, October 17, 2011
Impromptu fast.
So let's look at that intake today. Max was 400, right? I ate...
NOTHING.
When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.
The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.
But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one: I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.
But nope.
Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.
NOTHING.
When I'm upset, my stomach knots up, and I can't eat a damn thing...Good news for my diet, bad news for my skin and well-being.
The boyfriend is gone, due to extenuating circumstances, and I'm all alone again. ...I'm not mad at him though. I'm more upset with myself. Maybe if I was prettier, more understanding, thinner, and just all around better, this wouldn't have happened...And he would have found a way to make it work with me...But.. I'm not. It was amazing while it lasted.
But everything he'd done for my self-esteem and self-love was undone in the course of ten minutes. This is what I get for believing in myself, believing I can do anything other than starve, draw and write. I know I'm being hard on myself but..I'm just so used to being the one to blame in a relationship. So used to thinking I can't do anything right, and that it's my fault no matter what.
First boyfriend: I was ugly so he got a second one. My fault.
Second boyfriend: I wouldn't put out so I got raped. My fault.
Third one: I was stupid so he hit me. My fault.
Fourth one: I was scared, so he tried to "help" me by nearly raping me. My fault.
And the fifth one? He won't let me blame myself. He told me I can't be at fault this time. This would be so much easier if he was like everyone else...If he wasn't the best guy and the only real man I've ever been with. If I didn't care for him out of respect, affection, and what may be love, instead of fear. It'd be so much easier if I could just hate him.
But nope.
Anyway. I'm done boring you with all that junk. I still ate nothing today. And I'm going to bed soon after I drink at least 32oz of water. Tomorrow I have a cranberry Arizona tea. I doubt I'll be able to eat tomorrow either.
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